EMILY IS HERE!! May 18, 2009

So Emily is here. Finally. Her dog and mine didn’t get along well at first, but things seem to be getting better. Max, or as I like to call him, Maxine, is doing very well. He’s adjusting nicely and being a good dog overall. Bugatti still growls at him at times, but that’s him. Maxine is kind of a chill dog. 

Our different schedules are going to work out just fine. Emily loves her alone time, and over the last 6 weeks or so, I’ve learned to love mine. Things will be wonderful. 

That’s all, life is busy, as always.

I can NOT wait for FRIDAY!! May 13, 2009

I have never been this excited about anything in my life. I’m being totally honest here. Emily is moving to Colorado and will be my new best friend. Hopefully Max and Bugatti will have the same loving relationship, but who knows. I have so many plans for us, most of which I haven’t run by her yet… I hope she, you, keep your calender open. I can’t speak for Emily, but my life is about to become 100x more exciting. I will have someone to get cocktails with downtown. I will have a brunch buddy-god willing we wake up sometime before 2 on sundays. Good thing about that, Denver is a brunch mecca, and they serve it all day. I just can’t wait to have a fun, lovely, beautiful, and incredibly smart roomate. What an upgrade. 

Why did I wake up so early, its my longest day ever at work. I did make some fabulous cupcakes however. Its my boss’s birthday so I had to pull out all the stops. Homemade carrot cake cupcakes with a delicious cream cheese frosting. Then I sprinkled the tops with Gold Dust and of course had to photograph my work. Emily, I was serious about creating our cupcake arsenal of sorts. Pictures and recipies and delicious ideas for our future bakery. Can’t wait for our lives together to start…

something interesting needs to happen… May 7, 2009

… my life is pleasingly boring right now. I think pleasingly is a word. I had a marvelous day off, lots of sunshine and family. I went to Gretchen’s house today and had my little cousin Jake screech “ASSHHHIIIEEEEE” when he saw me. He gave me the best welcome and biggest hug i’ve ever recieved. To have a child like that, who doesn’t listen to anyone or do anything he’s told, to have him greet you like that, is the best feeling. We went to Cold Stone with the family, and Josh was telling me all about the American Idol cast-off, Allison. To hear a 7 year old be so interested in something like American Idol, is amazing. At the end of his ice cream, when it was all liquidy goodness, he popped his collar on his Lacoste shirt and ‘chugged’ his ice cream goo. Where did these children get all this personality? I love love love my family. I don’t care how crazy or strange or psychotic they may be… I love every last one of them. You all should know that.

Goodnight everyone.

 

I love you.

there is never an end to this… April 30, 2009

There is a ridiculous amount of organizational projects on my “To Do” List. I guess you don’t notice how crazy things are until you’re the only one immersed in it. Regardless of all the crap there is to do, I’m so much happier now. I may get a little lonely at times, but I am so happy. Things are looking up. I just had the biggest paycheck i’ve ever had in my life, even subtracting the 10% i’m now contributing to my Simple IRA twice a month. My dog really really loves me, sometimes a little too much. I haven’t had a migrane in over a month, no stomach aches, no sick days. I never realized how much emotional crap can effect your physical health. I’m proof.

There is a stylist that I work with who is incredibly paranoid about many things. Secret Political Societies, High Fructose Corn Syrup, and most recently, Swine Flu. She told me on monday, after I let out a little cough, that I should be staying home because I CLEARLY have the swine flu. I don’t. I’m not worried. I feel sorry for the people like her who are scared of everything. They live in fear of things that will most likely never happen, not to them or anyone they have ever known. Oh well, that person is not me. 

One of my clients yesterday told me after reading an article about women living alone, that if I don’t install a security system in my home, that I will most definetly be brutally raped and murdered. It was hard to fall asleep last night thinking about those things. What a bitch for saying such things. I’m not afraid. I don’t know kung fu, but I can dial a phone pretty fast if anything, god forbid, were to happen. Emily will be here soon, she could take anyone out. 

Can’t wait for Emily to come here. Everyone is sick of me talking about it. They keep saying…’we know your sister is coming to town,’ ‘we know you’re excited.’ I have to stop talking about it. There, I’m done. But still excited.

its finally over… or so i think April 26, 2009

So Josh came and got the rest of his stuff today. He kind of cleaned me out. He took the box spring to the bed, and the frame. He took a couch and our dining room table. He took TWO vacuums, because apparently he bought or acquired both of them. I feel bad for him. He feels like he has to take things from me to meet the emotional pain he went through? Or what? Maybe he just needs two vacuums to keep his room really really clean. 

But its over. His things are out and there isn’t any reason for us to communicate anymore. Besides the fact that he still has my spare key to my car and the remote control to the garage… there are no more reasons. 

It was hard to see him today. He looked good. Cuter then I remember- but that’s probably because I came to LOATHE him within the last few months. He tried to make me feel bad because our dog Duke that we had together is sick. Josh clearly has no money to take him to the vet, but I still feel bad. Wouldn’t you? 

I have to seperate my love for my dog from the dislike I have for Josh. Its his dog now, he can take care of it. 

I’m rambling… I have not much to say. I am getting my life together and figured out. When something exciting happens, I’ll let you all know.

i gave the final blow. April 9, 2009

So through all of this, Josh has still thought that we are dating. I on the other hand, have emotionally moved on. Today, I gave him the final blow… through an email. It may sound lame but having a face to face conversation with him would have been brutal. It took us 4 ‘talks’ for me to get him to move out. Plus, I didn’t want him getting angry and/or sad in public. How embarassing for the both of us.

Aunt Deb- Please don’t like Eryn more then me. She is very smart and can probably stay up all night talking literary things with you, but just remember that i’m your niece. Ok? That’s all. Now that I don’t have a dumb boyfriend, the next time we see each other will be much more fun.

Oh ya, and get a pig-0r I will have to.

tonight was supposed to be amazing April 6, 2009

I made the most fabulous dinner this evening. A perfectly cooked steak, broccoli with cheese, and some amazing bread with oil and vinegar and deliciousness. All that with a nice frosty Mike’s Hard Pomegranate Lemonade and I was a happy girl… until I watched a movie.

Ok so I don’t think the movie itself it supposed to be sad- Rachel Getting Married. But the wedding scene came up, and not only was I sad because I was alone at this point in my life, but it just made me realise that I’m nowhere NEAR that. I have so much to learn and so many things to accomplish before I can have a wedding like that. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, the wedding and days leading up to it consist of the family members just being around. They tell funny stories and share with the couple how much they mean to them. They appreciate each other and they just LOVE. I know its a movie ok, but their love in this film is just so easy. I don’t even know what that’s like, to be honest. I don’t know the easy kind of love. And that really makes me sad. Love, to me,  has been so hard these last few years that I forget what its like to enjoy each other’s company and just be. I don’t remember it being so simple. I know love is hard work, but at 22 years old, I think falling in love, and being in love should be fun. It should be a effortless thing. It should be worth my while. So there you have it. As much as I love Josh and have loved him, it was NEVER easy. I have chosen to give up this love that has been so wearing on me, so toxic, that I don’t even remember why we liked each other in the first place. I’m giving it up. And tonight was the first night since my final decision that it has been hard.

 I’m not missing him, I’m missing it- I need some love.

tonight was going to be boring April 4, 2009

So I was supposed to be bored tonight, BUT I WASN’T!! Hooray! I have to tell you, it took me a while to get over it. After a nice bowl of pasta (which i’ve eaten three nights in a row and couldn’t be happier about) I proceeded to pull my ass off the bed and get to workin. I figured out the perfect configuration for the living room, kind of- it includes the space originally intended for my new tv ABOVE the couch, as in behind it. My room is getting to be finished. I have labeled my closet and all of my drawers on those silly little plastic things everyone in the world owns. This is turning out to be a lovely evening. My house is freezing however, and since I don’t feel it necessary to turn it above 65 degrees if its just me living here, I’m in a sweater. Thank god I have a little doggy and a fantastic heating blanket to warm up the bed for me at night.

I have realised that I HAVE to get new blinds. The blinds that are downstairs are the wrong size, thanks to a certain someone who can’t measure that shall remain nameless. Since I have moved the couch, everyone can see in my window, or at least the bottom foot. I need more privacy then that. Blah blah blah, you don’t care about blinds I know it.

Point of this post, all is well. Things are ok. I will live, and it will be in a clean house, for once.

today is the day. April 2, 2009

So Josh left today. He still has things to pick up in the next couple of days, but today he packed up his car and just left a few minutes ago to his new ‘home.’ He’s staying with a friend that just sits around and smokes pot all day so I’m assuming that’s what he’ll be doing for the next couple of weeks. Oh well.

I already re-arranged my room. The living room will be re-done after he takes his big and manly tv with him. I’m kind of excited not to have that around. Guess what we do when I get home from work… watch tv. Guess what he does all day long when he doesn’t have class… watch tv. Boring. I’m excited to plug in my ipod and do the dishes to whatever stinking music I want. I’m ready to listen to Jazz as loud as possible without Josh saying how terrible it is. I’m pretty freakin excited for that. So, we’ll see how this goes. There is bound to be a post in about a month that says how sad I am that I’m alone or something along those lines. Just be prepared.

Today was the day.

healing has begun… March 29, 2009

So i’m feeling better. Physically my sickness is leaving and the antibiotics are taking charge. Thank the lord. Emotionally things are not so stable yet but I have a feeling they will be soon. Josh and I officially are taking a couple steps back. I officially asked him to move out of my house today. Yes, its MY HOUSE… and now I can finally say that without hurting his feelings. I don’t think he quite understands what that means, but to me, we’re breaking up. I asked him if we could just be friends for a while, because we’re actually very good at being friends. We like to joke around and give each other crap, but it doesn’t work when you’re sleeping next to the person at night and the words you’re saying are actually hurtful. So he’s moving out…

…but not until this Friday. I don’t know why he feels like he needs to wait. The person he’s staying with isn’t the greatest influence I’m sure, but he’s too full of pride to call his mama. I have to tell you, If i were in his shoes, I’d be callin’ my mama. Carol Ralph is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Josh’s mom calls me periodically and always ends the conversation with ‘I love you.’ Josh is asking me not to say anything to her; I don’t know if I can do that. I would love some opinions here. I respect the fact that Josh wants to talk to her on his own time, but he doesn’t want to tell her for several weeks, even longer. He thinks that in about a month, I’ll get my fill of living alone and will come crawling back to him, asking him to move back in. Not so.

I’m being quite strong here. stronger then I’ve ever felt before- but at the same time, I’ve never felt so vulnerable and weak.  I’ve never made a decision like this. Of course I’ve never dated anyone else for over 3 years. Or lived with anyone. Or made a life with anyone. This is a big deal. I’ve finally had enough, and just when I think i’m ‘ready for anything’, I feel like I’m going to freak out. Who is going to check the scary noises at night? Me. Who is going to pick up the dog shit in the back yard? Me. Who is going to have to pick ME up after a hard day/week/month at work, when I think quitting is the only option? Me. I’ve never been more scared in my life. I have never had to prove myself to myself. I have never had to face challenges by myself. I have never spent more then one night in this big bad house of mine by myself. This is one of the reasons I got my most recent tattoo. In omnia paratus, depending on how you translate it, means ready for anything.  Prepared for all things. Ready for all things. And as scared as I am- a little blonde twenty-something in this house by herself- with no one to turn to on a scary night but myself- depending finally on no one but myself… i have to be ready. I am ready.